4:26 PM
i seriously think i was sleeping under a rock when God decided to hand out the trait of "forgiving and forgetting" to the world.
i will be the first to admit it- i have trouble forgiving and forgetting. i hold grudges forever and actually find it easier to avoid/cut-out/ignore people that i have had misunderstandings with rather than hash it out. i don't know if it is because i don't have the patience, or because i know that both parties (mine included) will be scrambling to cover their asses anyway, so i don't know if anything "honest" will come out of the situation, or maybe it is because i am just afraid of the confrontation, or afraid to give a second chance and then be dashed again.
some examples-
back in 1st year high school, i was close to these 3 girls. one day i caught them talking smack about my dad, and that was it for me. when i remember these girls, that's the first thing that comes to my head. i remember the day so clearly too, what time it was, even my school bag that i was using. that was a very clear defining point for me, and i slowly drifted away from these girls and made new friends. no, i never confronted them, and looking back, i don't think i would still know what to say to them if i did.
2. same girls- 5 years later. one of them invited me to a party. at this point we were merely just friends from the same year rather than "barkada"-close circle of friends. i had a previous engagement (and this has to be said: which was way more appealing to me at that time), so i didn't go to the party. i didn't really think they would miss me anyway. months later, another friend casually asks if i had changed much because i had gone somewhere else to study. i said of course i haven't. she then said that there were these stories of me being too big for my britches, and it had stemmed because i hadn't showed up to that party. WTF? i had a previous engagement, i had refused politely thru text. again, another defining point. today, these girls are more acquaintances than friends. i try to avoid them. i'm scared of the niceties up front and then all the backstabbing later. strike 2 btw, no confrontation happened here either.
3. had a friend. i was loyal as a puppy to her, blind to all her flaws despite what others said. what happened? she left me high and dry. i think we had a phone conversation (of me very angry, i forget how she was), and that was the last time we ever talked. i erased phone numbers, texts, threw out memorabilia. i moved on, not stopping to think if it was worth a second chance.
i wonder if i was dropped as a baby or had a imprint leaving experience in my formative years that left me this way. i envy people who have no qualms about saying sorry, starting fresh, giving second chances, and being trusting another time around.
i wish i would budge a little. i tell myself i will when im older, but its here and i am older now, so where is that budge???
Labels: faults, flaws, forgiving and forgetting, sad princess, talking to myself, things i don't like about myself, thoughtful princess, ugly confession
sam