7:48 AM
so jason has come and gone. and my once busy days, filled to the brim with bustling activity of what to eat, where to go and what to do are suddenly flat and empty. its cliche and seemingly sounds overly dramatic, but i feel like a part of myself got with him on the plane and all that is left is a former semblance of me- a lesser me. :(
i really don't want to go out and socialize just yet. the thought of seeing friends is a terrifying prospect as a feel like a puzzle piece that doesn't fit in the same way, one that maybe doesn't even fit at all. the last few weeks i've always been part of a package deal- that of my baby and myself, we were 2 halves of a whole, and one couldn't be found without the other. now what am i?
the thought of seeing couples is also enough to break my heart. i don't want to be bitter and hate them but i know that when i am around them, my heart will crumble a little and i won't be able to bring myself to be truly happy for them as a part of me will always protest with the unfairness of it all. i'm not ready yet.
and so i sit at home and ponder on the direction my life is going. my initial plans of going away to study, is, of the moment met with some detour. i don't want to pressure my dad now so i will have to scoop that dream up and keep it away momentarily, or at least when i can afford to take it out.
the brokenhearted, abandoned and dreamless wake up to reality, and that is no less true for this princess. i'm awake. and scrambling. i know what i want- to be with jason this may and to find a way to keep busy until he permanently comes back.i want some sort of financial independence and stability that doesn't come from my parents. i want work that doesn't chain me to a desk all day, a kind that is flexible. i want work that pays well enough to take me down under and wherever my feet want to trek on.
the other day i started looking with a frenzy. i fervently hope that those that i've stumbled upon do not turn out to be duds.
i'm awake now, and scrambling to get all my dreams back, and in the process, get the rest of myself back too.
Labels: reality, sad princess, talking to myself
sam