12:23 PM
i had the mother of all breakdowns last saturday night. i cried myself to sleep only to find myself being awakened by my crying. i felt so sad and so engulfed by this dark abyss of loneliness and being alone. i was incomprehensible and inconsolable. no argument, no reasoning could pull me back. i wanted to end it all- just sever my ties with anyone and everything. i was that sad.
why? well, the truth is, being a semi single in a world of couples is just about the loneliest thing in the planet. you understand the language that the couples around you speak but you have no one to speak to.every stolen touch and kiss is a slap. it is there mocking you, taunting you, saying this is once you once had but don't anymore. you are the oddball, the 3rd, 5th or 7th wheel. by no intention of the company around you, you feel unwanted, left out, singled out.your friends' attempts to include you make you feel awkward. you second guess their intentions of inclusion and question if their attempts are out of pity or if it is because they find you pathetic.
there is no feeling comparable to it. you feel so sad and so unsure of yourself and what you have. you ask, "is this really what i want?", "is this really what i signed up for?". you raise your finger up to God and curse him and how unfair the whole situation is. why does it have to be you. what did i do wrong. do i really deserve this.
i went through all of this and more. i thought i had had it. i just wanted a real thing, real meaning physically present and palpable. i wanted (and still want) someone to look at me like that, kiss me like that. i was sick of skype, sick of webcams. sick of headphones. sick of lags and delays and busted internet connections.sick sick sick.
don't get me wrong. i love my boyfriend. love what we have and share. but was it wrong to love myself too? to want things like that? i didn't know and i still don't know...
sunday morning.i calmed down a little. let the last bits of negativity out in one whoosh of an exhale. i managed to join my friends for a day of island hopping. i managed to smile, and to laugh and to have a genuinely good time. i may not have what they have now, but i will soon. 18 days soon.
why did i write this? not for sympathy, not for explanation, not for nods of understanding and comforting hugs. i wrote this for me, as my physical big whoosh of exhale to expel the bad vibes out.
i feel a bit better. not a hundred percent but a good 85. sure, mushy, couply things still chip off little pieces of my heart, get me teary eyed and invoke and me a sense of longing so strong that it takes real willpower not to run out of the room sobbing. but i'm coping, i'm dealing, i'm accepting, and i know someday soon i will be ok. someday soon, i'll get a taste of my own:)
in the meantime, i'll just sit here, and dream about olive trees. olive trees and dates... right baby? :)...
Labels: boyfriends and girlfriends, ldr, sad princess, sharing, talking to myself
sam